Yesterday, I wrote my loving boyfriend a deeply serious letter. It began like this:
Here is the truth:
I want to be submissive to you.
I went on for three pages explaining the how and why of it to him.
But let me back up first. I have never known a better person. When the relationship began, I had just gotten out of a more or less abusive relationship. I kept trying to stop myself from jumping into a new one so quickly – that seemed foolish – but the heart wants what it wants and I have never regretted the decision to be with him.
I should also be clear that there has been sexual trauma in my past. The events themselves were brief, fitting in a two year window between the ages of 4-6, but the effects have proven to be lasting. Therapy has been tried and tried again but I do not find it particularly useful. In fact, I’ve always had the deep understanding that a therapist could not fix the trauma that I barely admitted to exist.
This made for some painful early experiences. I had no idea what a healthy sexual relationship entailed and found the actual act of sex to be frightening but necessary in a relationship. My early boyfriends were poorly chosen on my end for a variety of reasons that do not matter in this moment.
I am now 24 and have been dating my current boyfriend for two years. We do not live together, but have every intention of marrying. We are both very cautious of rushing into domesticity too quickly but as time goes on that reality only gets nearer. He is a blessing. He is kind, loving, and committed to me. We began having sex within a week of dating. That was my doing. I had the mentality of just “getting it over with.”
I started by throwing all these sex rules at him:
No looking at me naked
Sex only in the dark
No touching me “down there”
Sex only in the missionary position
Only I may “put it in” with my own hands
Sounds exciting, right? Ha! But the sex did get to be pretty good even within the confines of these strict boundaries; the best sex I had ever known. He was sweet, gentle, and deeply understanding. However, as had happened in past relationships I began having anxiety/panic attacks during sex. Maybe he had said something too dirty, or broken one of my rules. Other times I’d suddenly have a flashback or wouldn’t be able to breathe. I’d start crying or push him away. Sometimes these episodes would go on for hours. He did everything reasonable to try and talk me down. When comforting me didn’t work, he’d try yelling. When yelling didn’t work he’d try silence.
Very quickly into our relationship, He became wary of sex with me. He never initiated and he never exerted too much force. Wanting to make sure I was okay, he let me call the shots. I swore I’d run him off, I swore it wouldn’t last. I kept waiting for the day when he finally screamed, “Enough!” yet that day never came.
Then came the fantasies that shocked and scared me. Spanking, torture, rape. I also started to wonder if he really even wanted me. While we loved and cared for each other, there began to be a subtle disharmony. We rarely argued but when we did, arguments often exploded and fizzled unresolved. I wondered what was so wrong with me that I deeply desired such strange things. There is no way I thought, that I, a young, successful, modern woman, could actually desire to be submissive to a man. I really fought it for awhile. Yet, I could not run away from the inexplicable void in my relationship.
Perhaps I needed that at first, for you to show me that you genuinely do care for me deeply. I think I needed that calm and steady guidance of yours to get me to this point. Because now I realize that I cannot be in control, that I do not always react in a way that is best for us or even my own well-being. In a way I am both sad and overjoyed right now. Sad that I was blind for so long but happy to be through it.
Handing over control to you, begging it of you, is scary and exciting all at once. Yet I’ve uncovered this deep need to submit to you. I don’t see it as something violent/negative/demeaning. In fact, I feel stronger than ever being able to admit this.
When I began to be drawn to a submissive lifestyle with him, I worried that maybe he was not a dominant person, that it was not in his heart. Our sex life got somewhat more flavorful with the addition of infrequent erotic spanking. I also began to notice small clues that he might be more dominant than I had let him be. After all, I had never given him the chance to “be himself” in the relationship.
I realized that I had to put my true feelings out there for him.
What I will write next is difficult and uncomfortable to admit. I’m tensing up just thinking about it.
I want to completely submit to you not just in general, but also sexually…I need you to affirm this dominance over me in our sex life. I want to be yours and nobody else’s. I want to please you and I want you to expect that of me.
These are difficult things to admit, but I trust you so much that I believe this will be good for us. Seeing you expect, or demand me would be very powerful and probably very healing. I’m not saying that it will always be easy. There will probably be times when I’m not in the mood, or other times when I have a bit of a fit while we are making love.
My worry is that you might back down when I show resistance. This is me explicitly asking you not to back down. I need you even when I say I don’t. And even if you don’t want sex…if you just want to use me. I am yours. Even if you just want me to take you in my mouth, to remind me who is in control. Even if you let me know when you expect it. If you make rules that I have to be ready for you when you get home from work. That I have to swallow. I cannot describe the feelings that I get when I take you in my mouth. It soothes, excites, and fulfills me. I feel completely yours and will be deeply hurt if you don’t compel me to please you.
When I gave him the letter I had to leave the room. It actually took me nearly five minutes to hand it over, knowing that when I did, things might never be the same between us. “Your heart is racing,” he noticed with a hand on my chest, growing visibly concerned and confused. “You have to give it to me right now.” As he pried it from my hands, I felt a mixture of shame and anxiety at what I was revealing to him. What if he was disgusted by me? What if he could not engage in this lifestyle? What will his reaction mean for the direction of our relationship?
I waited anxiously for what felt like forever. When I heard his footsteps nearing the dark bedroom, I made myself as small as I could. He climbed on top of me, turned my face to his, and kissed my deeply. “Take off your clothes,” I made some verbal protests out of confusion. “Take off your clothes,” he said again, this time more sternly. Naked, He cradled me from behind. “Put your mouth on me.”
I obliged, and began sucking him automatically. “I did not say suck,” he instructed. This made my heart flutter, as I lay there just resting him in my mouth. He stroked my hair and held the back of my neck. “Good, you may suck now.” I had never experienced this man before, never even knew he existed. And then he was on top of me, then inside of me.
“Put your legs up,” he told me, beginning to thrust deeply. But I did not feel disgust or fear. I felt deep nourishment in understanding the reality of my submission to him. “Good,” he praised. “Now put them up even higher this time.” His gentle but stern coaxing lulled me into a safe place that I have never before experienced during sex.
When we finished he took me in his arms and told me, “That was the most meaningful sex I have ever had.” He thanked me for what I wrote in the letter, and told me how beautiful it was to him. He went on that there were some more things to talk about, but that for now I just had to go to bed and know that we would be okay.
And I believe him.
All day I’ve been excited and anxious. Some areas we probably need to cover in the days, weeks, months, even years ahead:
- Where is the line drawn? In the short conversation we had before he left for the evening he thought perhaps this might be a subject only concerning our sex life, yet I had different ideas. I am open to this being something that slowly grows over time, as we eventually move in together, get married, start a family, etc…But I desire to be his in and out of the bedroom. I see our entire life as our sex life.
- I also want to make sure that this is as serious to him as it is to me. I want to make sure that he truly understands my desires.
And other issues, I am sure, will arise. As he spoke to me before leaving:
“We are both new to this and will figure it out together. It is not something we will perfect overnight, but we can make it work.”
Thus, the birth of this blog! The concept of blogging seems foreign to me, but in my quest for information on the topic of D/s relationships, the best information that I found came from blogs. So if my experiences can help someone else, all the better.
Any other submissives out there? 🙂