For reasons that hopefully need no explanation (Hey boss, look how I spend my nights and weekends!), I will remain mostly anonymous on this blog. However, there is also a less obvious reason:
I’ve realized that I am not a rare story. In fact, I think my story is quite common.
Regrettably (and no offense to those who fit this description) I had always been under the impression that this lifestyle only appealed to those who fit certain stereotypes:
- The proud sexual deviants who are into the whole whips, chains, collars, Master/slave dynamic
- The devoutly religious who feel it is a woman’s duty to serve her man
- That weird girl/guy who is just a little too quiet
Admittedly, I probably do fit into a stereotype to some degree…the sexually ‘screwed up’. But I am not sitting here trying to reconstruct those experiences during sex. Hell no.
By every other account, I had led a sadly normal life. I grew up somewhere vaguely located in the middle of the United States in an upper-middle class family. While I was raised Catholic, none of it ever really “stuck” for me. In fact, I challenged a lot of what I heard in Sunday School. Each year, all of the teachers held their breath that I would not end up in their class.
I always was quite social and had friends, had normal hobbies, and particularly excelled in English and History classes. I did alright in high school and got into a pretty decent college. Through life’s great fortune, I landed a great internship at a large tech company, got hired on full-time, and now earn a pretty good living for myself. I can’t lie and say I’m career-obsessed or maintain a high-powered position, I just happen to like and be good at my job.
I’m not ultra-political but I when it comes to the ‘moral’ questions, my beliefs are pretty straightforward:
Same-sex marriage? Support it
Women’s right to choose? Support it
Legalizing pot? Sure, whatever. I’m not into it myself but go right ahead.
I’m pretty laid back.
So how did I end up straying from the society’s mainstream of human sexuality? How did I end up begging my partner to assert some yet-to-be-defined amount of control over me? My first mistake of course was in buying into the while idea of ‘mainstream’ especially surrounding something as personal as sex. A strange thing has happened in our society in recent history. Fearing the enforcement of repressed gender roles, we’ve been pushed to reject our gender outright. What remains is a strangely androgynous society. Men have been conditioned to fear their masculinity and women have essentially been forbidden to dwell in their femininity. Don’t get me wrong…I cherish my right to vote, to manage my own finances, and have a great career in a field where 80% of my co-workers are men.
But dammit, sometimes I actually feel vulnerable or want to feel the strength of my man. I spend way too long picking a few things up at Target, can’t change a tire, and frequently misplace my keys. And sometimes I want to feel girlish; small and delicate. Perhaps our world today is just experiencing the proverbial aftershock of the fight for equal rights between women and men. And trust me, I know…we’ve still got a ways to go ladies. But I am a firm believer that man and woman are equal but different.
So I’ve made the decision to fully indulge in whatever feminine energy possesses me.
A lot of people have talked about the “Fifty Shades of Grey” Effect. Actually, when that book first came out and all of the hype started, I was really hopeful and could not wait to read it. I wanted to find validation of my intrusive sexual musings. So I got the book.
It scared the living sh*t out of me.
About halfway through the first in the series, I put it down and never looked back. Why did surrendering control have to be so…freaky? I feel absolutely no draw towards a BDSM existence. I just do not have that in me (at least not now) and I’m pretty certain neither does my boyfriend.
So while I was drawn to the intensity, power, and intimacy of the relationships, I was left feeling like there was no middle ground…that it couldn’t work unless we fully committed. But now, after studying and researching, I am happy to report:
Dominant/submissive relationships can fall anywhere along a vast spectrum.
I finally got around to reading my copy of Anais Nin’s Delta of Venus and saw female sexuality portrayed in such a different light. While the content didn’t explicitly speak to my situation, it dealt with some very taboo topics in a very beautiful, artistic way. Instead of freaked out, I felt at ease.
Everyone’s freak flag flies a little differently. So to the great wide universe…thanks for giving me the vote of confidence. You’ve affirmed that there is a place for me and my unique sexuality in the world. I feel free and validated in exploring that.